MY FATHER had only good things to say about the Veteran’s Hospital in Palo Alto, California. He appreciated the staff and the doctors, many of whom were from the Stanford Medical School “next door.” As often happens, he was assigned a new doctor and, to hear him tell the story, it went something like this…
HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR: Mr. Guida, you will be seeing a new doctor on your next visit, Dr. Hu.
DAD: Who?
HA: That’s right, Dr. Hu.
DAD: Who is my new doctor?
HA: Yes, you’ll be meeting with her next Thursday.
DAD: I’ll be meeting with who?
HA: Yes, at 2:00 PM.
DAD: Who will I be meeting?
HA:
DAD: (At this point enjoying the joke very much) What is the name of my new doctor?
HA: Dr. Hu is your new doctor.
DAD: Who?
and so it went.
If you have ever laughed at anything I have said or written, you can thank my Dad. We lost him February 5, 2005 and we all miss him. To Dad, I’d like to dedicate this classic bit of comedy …
Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on First?”
Abbot: I’d like to recite the poem “Casey at the Bat.”
Costello: (From the audience) Hey, that’s baseball, isn’t it?
Abbot: Yes. Yes it is.
Costello: (Coming on stage) I have a question about baseball.
Abbot: You do?
Costello: Yeah. I got confused what with the World Series and all and I was hoping you could tell me who the players were.
Abbot: You want me to tell you the players’ names?
Costello: Yeah, you know stuff. Tell me the players’ names.
Abbot: Okay. Well, let’s see. We have on the bags – we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello: That’s what I wanna find out.
Abbot: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third –
Costello: You know the fellows’ names?
Abbot: Certainly!
Costello: Well then who’s on first?
Abbot: Yes!
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name!
Abbot: Who!
Costello: The guy on first!
Abbot: Who!
Costello: The first baseman!
Abbot: Who!
Costello: The guy playing first!
Abbot: Who is on first!
Costello: Now whaddya askin’ me for?
Abbot: I’m telling you Who is on first.
Costello: Well, I’m asking YOU who’s on first!
Abbot: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbot: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbot: Who!
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbot: Who is on first!
Costello: Have you got a contract with the first baseman?
Abbot: Absolutely.
Costello: Who signs the contract?
Abbot: Well, naturally!
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbot: Every dollar. Why not? The man’s entitled to it.
Costello: Who is?
Abbot: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who’s wife?
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: All I’m tryin’ to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.
Abbot: Oh, no – wait a minute, don’t switch ’em around. What is on second base.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbot: Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbot: He’s on third – now we’re not talkin’ ’bout him.
Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?
Abbot: You mentioned his name!
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbot: No – Who’s playing first.
Costello: Never mind first – I wanna know what’s the guy’s name on third.
Abbot: No – What’s on second.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbot: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbot: He’s on third.
Costello: Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don’t go off it?
Abbot: What was it you wanted?
Costello: Now who’s playin’ third base?
Abbot: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: Why? Who am I putting over there?
Abbot: Yes. But we don’t want him there.
Costello: What’s the guy’s name on third base?
Abbot: What belongs on second.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbot: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbot & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: You got an outfield?
Abbot: Oh yes!
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbot: Why.
Costello: I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbot: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello: Alright, then tell me who’s playin’ left field.
Abbot: Who is playing fir-
Costello: STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what’s the left fielder’s name.
Abbot: What’s on second.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbot: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbot & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbot: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbot: Oh, he’s center field.
Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbot: Now wouldn’t this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello: The pitcher’s name.
Abbot: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t wanna tell me today?
Abbot: I’m tellin’ you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbot: Tomorrow.
Costello: What time?
Abbot: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?
Abbot: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir-
Costello: I’ll break your arm if you say Who’s on first. I wanna know what’s the pitcher’s name.
Abbot: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbot & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: You got a catcher?
Abbot: Oh, absolutely.
Costello: The catcher’s name.
Abbot: Today.
Costello: Today. And Tomorrow’s pitching.
Abbot: Now you’ve got it.
Costello: All we’ve got is a couple of days on the team.
Abbot: Well, I can’t help that.
Costello: Well, I’m a catcher too.
Abbot: I know that.
Costello: Now suppose that I’m catching, Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbot: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talkin’ about!
Abbot: Well, that’s all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: Now who’s got it?
Abbot: Naturally!
Costello: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta catch it. Now who caught it?
Abbot: Naturally!
Costello: Who caught it?
Abbot: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbot: Naturally!
Costello: Naturally.
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbot: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbot: That’s right. There we go.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbot: You don’t!
Costello: I throw it to who?
Abbot: Naturally.
Costello: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!
Abbot: You’re not saying it that way.
Costello: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbot: You don’t – you throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally!
Abbot: Well, say that!
Costello: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?
Abbot: Naturally.
Costello: Ask me.
Abbot: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbot: That’s it.
Costello: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
Abbot: Naturally!
Costello: Who has it?
Abbot: Naturally!
Costello: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow – triple play.
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: Another guy gets up – it’s a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s on third and I don’t give a darn!
Abbot: What was that?
Costello: I said I don’t give a darn!
Abbot: Oh, that’s our shortstop.
(My Note: This is very slightly adapted for a presentation at a church talent show. If you ever get a chance to perform this, even doing a “readers theater” version, you will bring down the house — assuming you can get through it without cracking yourself up first. If you want to see this done professionally, here’s a couple of fellas who do it pretty well –http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M